That's a Biggie

Mom to Me: I can't stop looking at it
Me to Mom: What?
Mom to Me: That zit on your forehead.
Me to Mom: Thanks
Mom to Me: No seriously, it's huge. Can you imagine if you got one like that on your wedding day?
Me to Mom: Not helping Mom.
Mom to Me: I've never seen anything so big.

Pugs and Angie

Mom to Me: "I have something to tell you."

Me (getting nervous) to Mom: "What?"

Mom to Me: "I might have to change my opinion on Angelina Jolie."

Me to Mom: "That's what you have to tell me? You nearly gave me a heart attack."

Mom to Me: "She bought her kids a pug."

Me to Mom: "Ok..."

Mom to Me: "A pug! How can I hate her now? Of all the dogs in all the world, she had to go and get a pug."

Doctor Appts

Dad to Mom: "You need to take care of yourself. Don't you want to walk your daughter down the aisle?"

Dad to Mom: "You should talk."

Mom to Dad: "I am going for my check-up this week."

Dad to Mom: "You're going for that boob thing too?"

Mom to Dad: "A mammogram?"

Dad to Mom: "Yeah."

Mom to Dad: "A boob thing... you're a boob."

Dad to Mom: "Thank you."

I wanna be an actress

While watching the Emmys...



Mom to Me: I think I can be an actress.
Me to Mom: Really?
Mom to Me: Yeah. It doesn't look so hard. I can do it.


Other ramblings during the Emmys:

"Oh who invited this one? Get her off stage." (Julia Ormond)
"I hate Oprah" (Oprah wasn't even there)

Old People Need Lipstick Too

While watching the Today show, Bobbi Brown making over a young woman


Mom to Me: Why can't they make over an old lady? Look at this one, she doesn't need makeup. Beautiful skin, perfect eyebrows. Give me a break.

Me to Mom: [Silence

Mom to Me: Look at her, not one wrinkle. I want to see her make over an older woman with bags and then we'll see how good she is.

Reason why blogging about family is dangerous

Setting: at a family member's house party discussing this blog; someone decides to do a dramatic reading of a post, choosing the one where mom calls me from Spain to tell me about dad and how she wanted to kill him...

Someone to everyone: "Mom to Me: "Kristen, I am going to kill him."
Me to Mom: "Who? And why are you whispering?"
Mom to Me: "Daddy. He thinks he's dying because he has a cough"

Mom to someone: "Stop reading it! Be quiet!"
Dad to Mom: "You called Kristen when I was in the shower?"
Mom to Dad: "No."
Me to Mom: "Ma!"
Mom to Dad: "She's lying. Don't listen."

Family member: "Don't stop reading! This is hilarious!"
Family member 2: "Pete, you really didn't know Diane called Kristen?"
Dad to Family: "No!"

Dad to Mom: "Very nice. So this is what you do when I'm not around? Make fun of me? I had a cough!"
Mom to Me: "I'm going to kill you Kristen!"
Dad to Mom: "I'm going to start my own blog!"
Me to Dad: "You don't even know what a blog is!"

Note to readers: parents did not divorce as a result of the blog posting, but parents were not happy. Now I know how Harriet the Spy felt.

Memory Lane--Nose Ring

The summer before my senior year in college, I studied abroad in London. Within the first week or so, I got my nose pierced. Clearly, I wasn't going to tell my mother who was across the Atlantic at the time. But somehow, she found out.

Mom to Me: "Please tell me it's not true."
Me to Mom: "What?"
Mom to Me: "Did you get your nose pierced? Please tell me you didn't do it, please."
Me to Mom: "I did. It's not a big deal. Who told you?"
Mom to Me: "OH MY GOD! YOU HAVE A HOLE IN YOUR FACE! YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO GET A JOB NOW! NEVER! DO YOU SEE KATIE COURIC WITH A NOSE RING? OR JULIE ANDREWS? NO ONE IS GOING TO HIRE YOU! YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL FACE AND NOW IT HAS A HOLE IN IT! I HOPE YOU'LL BE HAPPY WHEN NO ONE HIRES YOU BECAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE A UBANGI. OR A PIG"
Me to Mom: "Ma, it's really cute though."
Mom to Me: "I can't tell your father. It will kill him, KILL HIM."

(needless to say, I removed the nose ring immediately following that conversation; she checked my nose the second she saw me back in the States and said "It's a good thing.")