In a follow-up to Bird Brain

Dad to Me: "Kristen, your mom scared the s*it out of me."
Me to Dad: "Why?"
Dad to Me: "We're grandparents?! This is what she says to me out of nowhere. Woman is trying to give me a heart attack."

Bird Brains

In a voicemail received today...
Mom to my Voicemail: "Kristen, we are finally grandparents. Call me back."

The phone call that followed:
Me to Mom: "What are you talking about?"
Mom to Me: "We are grandparents! We have two more additions to the family. We're finally grandparents!"
Me to Mom: "I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY!
Mom to Me: "You know the tree on our front lawn?"
Me to Mom (still panting from frustration): "Yes?"
Mom to Me: "Well we found two little birds in a nest there. They're so cute."
Me to Mom: "Are you serious?"
Mom to Me: "I can't wait to show you."
Me to Mom: "Is this your way of telling me that you really want grandchildren? Because this is not normal."
Mom to Me: "I thought you'd be happy!"
Me to Mom: "I gotta go."

Charlie Sheen

Mom to Me: "Have you seen Charlie Sheen's new haircut?"
Me to Mom: "Yes."
Mom to Me: "He looks crazy. And he's wearing pajama pants."
Me to Mom: "I know."
Mom to Me: "You know how I feel about grown men wearing pajama pants in public. Pajamas should be worn in the house. Idiots."

TV Land

Overheard in the den....



Dad to Mom: "When does Glee come on?"
Mom to Dad: "It's on next"
Dad to Mom: "Oh I love that show"
Mom to Dad: "Me too"
Dad to Mom: "We really need to get a life, you know."

Ms. Potato head

On a day I was feeling particularly sorry for myself...


Me to Mom: "Ugh, I just heard that another girl I know is getting married."
Mom to Me: "What's wrong with you?
Me to Mom: "But you don't understand—her face looks like a potato! Why do girls who look like potatoes get married?"
Mom to Me: "Did you ever stop to think that maybe her fiance looks like a potato too?!"

My mother is so wise...

My Underwear Drawer

Ring, ring...my work phone rings

Me to Mom: "Hello?"
Mom to Me: "It's me, Mom."
Me to Mom: "What's up?"
Mom to Me: "I know you've been stressed out lately so I tried helping you out today."
Me to Mom: "What did you do?"
Mom to Me: "I organized your underwear drawer."
Me to Mom: (Silence)
Mom to Me: "Hello?"
Me to Mom: "You were in my underwear drawer?" (thinking if I had "special" underwear for "special" occasions; fortunately/unfortunately I didn't have any.)
Mom to Me: (Silence)
Me to Mom: "Um, so you organized my underwear?"
Mom to Me: "Did I do a bad thing?"
Me to Mom: "Um, no, it's okay. I think."
Mom to Me: "I'm sorry I was trying to help!"
Me to Mom: "How exactly did you organize it? I didn't know it needed to be organized."
Mom to me: "You know, by color..."
Me to Mom: "But you were in my UNDERWEAR drawer!"

She called later and apologized again. I know she didn't mean any harm but she hasn't touched the drawer since...

My dad and Lil Wayne

My parents watching the Grammys:
My dad: "Who's that guy that wears his pants so low? Little Billy?"
My mom: "No, Lil Wayne."

You're fat! (Not really)

While shopping for a grown-up interview suit, for all Macys' shoppers to hear...

Me to Mom: "I don't think that will fit."
Mom to Me: "Yes it will. Just try it on."
Me to Mom: "It's going to be too big."
Mom to Me: "You know, you're not as skinny as you think you are!"

Engaged to Ryan Seacrest

Mom to me: "I think the two of you would look good together."
Me to Mom: "Who?"
Mom to me: "You and Ryan Seacrest. I could see you two together. I love him."

Joys of Living Home Part 243638

Mom to me: "What are you watching?"
Me to Mom: "NKOTB video."
Mom to me: "I thought you were doing your homework."
Me to mom: (Silence)
Mom to me: "Do your homework.

Me taking drugs

Mom to Me: "Do you want to overdose? Is that what you want?"
Me to Mom: "But mom, it's only NyQuil."
Mom to Me: "Yes but didn't you take a Claritin also?"
Me to Mom: "Yes, about 12 hours ago."
Mom to Me: "This is how all the celebrities overdose. You better not take the NyQuil."

Lent

Me to Mom: "I don't know what to give up for Lent. What should I give up?"
Mom to Me: "Why don't you just try being nicer to people?"

Jack Bauer

Parents to me: "You can talk to us during the commercial break." (24 is on)

She kissed a girl

Mom to Dad: "He's marrying Katie Perry."
Dad to Mom: "Katie who?"
Mom to Dad: "Katie Perry, Peter! The one who sings "I kissed a girl and I like it... don't you know anything?"


My parents watching Russel Brand on American Idol.

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree...

Mom and Dad recently settled a battle of wills. Mom had been asking Dad to take our (fake) Christmas tree up to the attic since Christmas. For whatever reason (laziness) he didn't. So to prove her point she decorated the Christmas tree with Easter eggs because, well, the tree was still in our living room on Easter Sunday. A few days later, he took the tree down and into the attic it went.

Intro/Welcome

I've been told by my "friends" on Facebook to consolidate my status updates that contain conversations between my mother and I into a blog. Typically these updates begin with "Mom to Me" hence the name of my blog.

So why are my Facebook status updates so intriguing and blogworthy? Well, they're not really. However, my mother is a darn funny woman as is my father and the reason why they're so funny is because they don't know they're funny. I think anyone with a crazy family can relate. My mother walks my father through American Idol, celebrity news and anything else that comes up while they're watching TV in the den. What I overhear is sometimes too amazing not to share. Other times my mother will say things to me that blow my mind (like how I am stupid because I lost out on my shot to marry Prince William since he's probably going to marry that "broad" Kate Middleton).

I should also note that I am a 28-almost-29-year old woman who moved back home with Mom, Dad, Brother and Dogs. By default, my life is.....(fill in the blank).