Pugs and Angie

Mom to Me: "I have something to tell you."

Me (getting nervous) to Mom: "What?"

Mom to Me: "I might have to change my opinion on Angelina Jolie."

Me to Mom: "That's what you have to tell me? You nearly gave me a heart attack."

Mom to Me: "She bought her kids a pug."

Me to Mom: "Ok..."

Mom to Me: "A pug! How can I hate her now? Of all the dogs in all the world, she had to go and get a pug."

Doctor Appts

Dad to Mom: "You need to take care of yourself. Don't you want to walk your daughter down the aisle?"

Dad to Mom: "You should talk."

Mom to Dad: "I am going for my check-up this week."

Dad to Mom: "You're going for that boob thing too?"

Mom to Dad: "A mammogram?"

Dad to Mom: "Yeah."

Mom to Dad: "A boob thing... you're a boob."

Dad to Mom: "Thank you."

I wanna be an actress

While watching the Emmys...



Mom to Me: I think I can be an actress.
Me to Mom: Really?
Mom to Me: Yeah. It doesn't look so hard. I can do it.


Other ramblings during the Emmys:

"Oh who invited this one? Get her off stage." (Julia Ormond)
"I hate Oprah" (Oprah wasn't even there)

Old People Need Lipstick Too

While watching the Today show, Bobbi Brown making over a young woman


Mom to Me: Why can't they make over an old lady? Look at this one, she doesn't need makeup. Beautiful skin, perfect eyebrows. Give me a break.

Me to Mom: [Silence

Mom to Me: Look at her, not one wrinkle. I want to see her make over an older woman with bags and then we'll see how good she is.

Reason why blogging about family is dangerous

Setting: at a family member's house party discussing this blog; someone decides to do a dramatic reading of a post, choosing the one where mom calls me from Spain to tell me about dad and how she wanted to kill him...

Someone to everyone: "Mom to Me: "Kristen, I am going to kill him."
Me to Mom: "Who? And why are you whispering?"
Mom to Me: "Daddy. He thinks he's dying because he has a cough"

Mom to someone: "Stop reading it! Be quiet!"
Dad to Mom: "You called Kristen when I was in the shower?"
Mom to Dad: "No."
Me to Mom: "Ma!"
Mom to Dad: "She's lying. Don't listen."

Family member: "Don't stop reading! This is hilarious!"
Family member 2: "Pete, you really didn't know Diane called Kristen?"
Dad to Family: "No!"

Dad to Mom: "Very nice. So this is what you do when I'm not around? Make fun of me? I had a cough!"
Mom to Me: "I'm going to kill you Kristen!"
Dad to Mom: "I'm going to start my own blog!"
Me to Dad: "You don't even know what a blog is!"

Note to readers: parents did not divorce as a result of the blog posting, but parents were not happy. Now I know how Harriet the Spy felt.

Memory Lane--Nose Ring

The summer before my senior year in college, I studied abroad in London. Within the first week or so, I got my nose pierced. Clearly, I wasn't going to tell my mother who was across the Atlantic at the time. But somehow, she found out.

Mom to Me: "Please tell me it's not true."
Me to Mom: "What?"
Mom to Me: "Did you get your nose pierced? Please tell me you didn't do it, please."
Me to Mom: "I did. It's not a big deal. Who told you?"
Mom to Me: "OH MY GOD! YOU HAVE A HOLE IN YOUR FACE! YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO GET A JOB NOW! NEVER! DO YOU SEE KATIE COURIC WITH A NOSE RING? OR JULIE ANDREWS? NO ONE IS GOING TO HIRE YOU! YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL FACE AND NOW IT HAS A HOLE IN IT! I HOPE YOU'LL BE HAPPY WHEN NO ONE HIRES YOU BECAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE A UBANGI. OR A PIG"
Me to Mom: "Ma, it's really cute though."
Mom to Me: "I can't tell your father. It will kill him, KILL HIM."

(needless to say, I removed the nose ring immediately following that conversation; she checked my nose the second she saw me back in the States and said "It's a good thing.")

Hola, Mom in Espana

Background: Mom and Dad travel to Spain for 10 days (just the two of them). Dad had a little "cough" before he left. Mom had a vicious cough three weeks prior to the trip.


Mom to Me: "Kristen, I am going to kill him."
Me to Mom: "Who? And why are you whispering?"
Mom to Me: "Daddy. He thinks he's dying because he has a little cough."
Me to Mom: [laughing]
Me to Mom: "You should hear him. Every time he coughs it's a huge production. He thinks he has pneumonia [starts hysterical laughing, then abruptly stops]. I'm going to kill him."
Me to Mom: "But Ma..."
Mom to Me: "Ohhesgettingoutoftheshowernowgottagobye."

Crazy to Crazy

Mom to Me: "You need to coordinate your mental health."

Skirt Regulation Length

In J Crew....


Me to Mom: "Do you like this skirt?"
Mom to Me: "For who? You?"
Me to Mom: "Um, yes."
Mom to Me (in a voice that would not be considered an "indoor" voice): "Don't you think that is a little short?"
Me to Mom: "No...it's not that bad."
Mom to Me: "It's too short. You'll look like a hoochie."
Mom to Me: "I'm sorry, but how old am I again?"

Too Cool for School

Setting: on the beach with my mom and my friend.

Mom to Me: "I wanted to get you a hat for the beach so you don't get sunburned. And to cover your hair because it's turning yellow."

Me to Mom: "What kind of hat?"

Mom to Me: "You know, the one like Sandra Bullock wears. You'd look so cute."

Friend to Mom: "Those hats are like too cool for school."

Mom to Us: "What does that mean?"

Me to Mom: "You know, like too cool for school. You never heard that expression before?"

Mom to Us: "Well, yeah, but I don't understand. That's what those hats mean? That they're too cool for school?"

Friend and I exchange worried glances....

Me to Mom "No Mom. It means that people who wear those hats think they're really cool."

Mom to Us: "Oh. I still don't think it relates."

Some snipits from Mom's emails

Mom to Me:
Do you feel like having meatloaf for dinner. I hate dinner. If you said yes, can you take the chop meat out of the freezer. You want to go food shopping w/me when I get home.


Mom to Me:
Take the dogs for a walk.....a fly just landed on my computer screen!

Happy Day for Mom

Mom to Me on graduation day: "This is the happiest day of my life."
Me to Mom: "What about the birth of your children?"
Mom to Me: "No, not the same."

Again, Mom's big pimpin'

Mom, showing me the Daily News article on where to watch the World Cup

Mom to Me: "Look, I found places for you to go."
Me to Mom: "For what?"
Mom flips open the newspaper
Mom to Me: "See? Look at how many bars that will be filled with guys."
Me to Mom: "Yeah, guys who just want to watch soccer."
Mom to Me: "Maybe not. Look [shows me a picture of girls at the bar]. These girls are smart."
Me to Mom: "Why are you always trying to pimp me out?"
Mom to Me: "I'm just trying to help!"

Mom doesn't like me

In an email exchange earlier today....


Mom to Me: what re you up to today?
Me to Mom: Organizing like a crazy woman. There are many clothes from last year that dont fit this year.
Mom to Me: that's good....that makes me happy
Me to Mom: That I'm fat or that I'm cleaning?
Mom to Me: that you're cleaning...you numbnuts
Me to Mom: Blog!
Mom to Me: I hate you

Kristen, you're not all that

Me to Mom: "Don't you remember, I told you that the other day!"
Mom to Me: "I don't remember."
Me to Mom: "You need to pay me more attention when I speak."
Mom to Me: "You make me nervous! It's like I'm being grilled every time I speak to you."
Me to Mom: "Haha."
Mom to Me: "Remember when I told you that you're not as skinny as you think you are?"
Me to Mom: "Yes..."
Mom to Me: "Well you're not as important as you think you are. There are other people in the world you know."
Me to Mom: "I can't believe you just said that to me."
Mom to Me: "Well it's true! You gonna put that in your blog?"
Me to Mom: [Nod]
Mom to Me: "Good, wanna quote me?"



I love my mom. She knows how to put me in my place.

Mom's My Pimp

While driving in Manhattan...


Mom to Me: "Oh Kristen, did you see that blonde guy? He looked like David Beckham."
Me to Mom: "No, where?"
Mom to Me: "Over there, on the street! Look at him, he's good-looking."
[Man walks down sidewalk and stops on corner.]
Me to Mom: "Yeah I guess he's cute."
Mom to Me: "Why don't you think he's cute?"
Me to Mom: "He looks kinda young."
Mom to Me: "Oh look he's right there!"
Me to Mom: "Seriously, what would you like me to do? Get out of the car an introduce myself?"
Mom to Me: [Silence]

My mom loves me

Mom to Me: "Are you happy school is over?"
Me to Mom: "Yeah, I guess."
Mom to Me: "You're bored already, aren't you?"
Me to Mom: "Kinda."
Mom to Me: "You're a masochist."

Rules of Movie Watching, by Mom

Mom to Me: "Why are you watching a movie now?"
Me to Mom: "Because there's nothing on TV?"
Mom to Me: "You're making me depressed, watching a movie now."
Me to Mom: "Why?"
Mom to Me: "Movies are, like, for the weekends."
Me to Mom: (Silence)
Mom to Me: "Sitcoms are for during the week and movies are for the weekends when you have more time."
Me to Mom: "I see."

Please leave a message

Monday night, 9:30 PM


Ring, ring

Mom to Me: "Hello?"
Me to Mom: "Hi Ma."
Mom to Me: "I can't believe you're calling right now."
Me to Mom: "What?"
Mom to Me: "Don't you know what's on?"
Me to Mom: "Oh, 24."
Mom to Me: "That's right."
Me to Mom: "Sorry."

Guest Blog Entries

Because this is a conversation I'd most definitely have with my mom, I am posting a convo taken place between my friend Tracy and her mom. The second one takes place between Rosanna and her mom. Gotta love em!


Mom to me: Shame on Christina Aguilera!!

Me to mom: haha why? too sexy?

Mom to me: Slutty, raunchy, not sexy… sleezy. Nothing sexy about it. Really really bad taste. Ignorant. Just did not expect that out of her after she had a baby.

Me to mom: The new song?

Mom to me: New Video. Fox showed parts of it this a.m. with a lot too fuzzy to see. Definitely X rated. I would have banned you from listening to her if she was like that when you were in High school. Low life. It's not creative or art.

Me to mom: Ok, calm down. Do you think the same thing about Madonna?

Mom to me: You bet. Well actually I think Madonna did it more for shock value. I think she is really clever. Sly as a fox type.

Me to mom: Come on! Same thing.

Mom to me: debatable.




Rosanna and Mom
Me to Mom: Oh! It looks like I'll be hitting my favorite martini bar next week for a friend's birthday party.

Mom to me: All you and your friends do is drink. *shakes head disapprovingly* Why not doing something cultured?

Me to Mom: Cultured? We can't afford musicals.. and really, how many times can you go to a museum?

Mom to me: I bet if they had a bar in the museum, you would go.

Dad at the computer

Me to Mom: "Dad's trying to use the computer."
Mom to Me: "Oh no."
Me to Mom: "Let's get out of here before he asks for help."
Dad to Mom (calling from downstairs): "Diane, can you help me for a second?"
Mom goes downstairs.
Dad to Mom: "How do I open an attachment?"
Mom to Dad: "Click open attachment."
Dad to Mom: "How do I cancel out of this?"
Mom to Dad: "Click the X in the corner."
Dad to Mom: "Where is it?"
Mom to Dad: "Right there!"
Dad to Mom: "I can't see it. And why is this arrow so small? I can't see anything. Why do they have to make everything so small?"

Promiscuous Birds

Mom to Me: "The mother bird hasn't been around a lot today."
Me to Mom: "She's probably looking for food."
Me to Mom: "She better be. You don't think she's a slut, do you?"
Me to Mom: (Silence)



For those of you who care, the birds are doing wonderfully. They're getting bigger and bigger every day and starting to grow feathers. The other day I was told to stand guard outside while the landscapers worked on our lawn. "MAKE SURE THEY DON'T GO NEAR THAT TREE, KRISTEN!!!!" So like a fool, I told the gentlemen not to go near the tree and explained that there are "little birds" in the tree. They looked at me like I was a nut (not too far off).

For those of you who are new to this blog, scroll down to the Bird Brains entry--it explains everything.

Vacation

While perusing a travel book for places in the US to visit this summer

Dad to Mom: "Oh this looks nice. Fall foliage...:
Mom to Dad: "It's not fall you dingbat!"
Dad to Mom: "Oh."
Dad to Me: "Gonna put that on your blog, Kristen?"
Me to Dad: "Yup."

In a follow-up to Bird Brain

Dad to Me: "Kristen, your mom scared the s*it out of me."
Me to Dad: "Why?"
Dad to Me: "We're grandparents?! This is what she says to me out of nowhere. Woman is trying to give me a heart attack."

Bird Brains

In a voicemail received today...
Mom to my Voicemail: "Kristen, we are finally grandparents. Call me back."

The phone call that followed:
Me to Mom: "What are you talking about?"
Mom to Me: "We are grandparents! We have two more additions to the family. We're finally grandparents!"
Me to Mom: "I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY!
Mom to Me: "You know the tree on our front lawn?"
Me to Mom (still panting from frustration): "Yes?"
Mom to Me: "Well we found two little birds in a nest there. They're so cute."
Me to Mom: "Are you serious?"
Mom to Me: "I can't wait to show you."
Me to Mom: "Is this your way of telling me that you really want grandchildren? Because this is not normal."
Mom to Me: "I thought you'd be happy!"
Me to Mom: "I gotta go."

Charlie Sheen

Mom to Me: "Have you seen Charlie Sheen's new haircut?"
Me to Mom: "Yes."
Mom to Me: "He looks crazy. And he's wearing pajama pants."
Me to Mom: "I know."
Mom to Me: "You know how I feel about grown men wearing pajama pants in public. Pajamas should be worn in the house. Idiots."

TV Land

Overheard in the den....



Dad to Mom: "When does Glee come on?"
Mom to Dad: "It's on next"
Dad to Mom: "Oh I love that show"
Mom to Dad: "Me too"
Dad to Mom: "We really need to get a life, you know."

Ms. Potato head

On a day I was feeling particularly sorry for myself...


Me to Mom: "Ugh, I just heard that another girl I know is getting married."
Mom to Me: "What's wrong with you?
Me to Mom: "But you don't understand—her face looks like a potato! Why do girls who look like potatoes get married?"
Mom to Me: "Did you ever stop to think that maybe her fiance looks like a potato too?!"

My mother is so wise...

My Underwear Drawer

Ring, ring...my work phone rings

Me to Mom: "Hello?"
Mom to Me: "It's me, Mom."
Me to Mom: "What's up?"
Mom to Me: "I know you've been stressed out lately so I tried helping you out today."
Me to Mom: "What did you do?"
Mom to Me: "I organized your underwear drawer."
Me to Mom: (Silence)
Mom to Me: "Hello?"
Me to Mom: "You were in my underwear drawer?" (thinking if I had "special" underwear for "special" occasions; fortunately/unfortunately I didn't have any.)
Mom to Me: (Silence)
Me to Mom: "Um, so you organized my underwear?"
Mom to Me: "Did I do a bad thing?"
Me to Mom: "Um, no, it's okay. I think."
Mom to Me: "I'm sorry I was trying to help!"
Me to Mom: "How exactly did you organize it? I didn't know it needed to be organized."
Mom to me: "You know, by color..."
Me to Mom: "But you were in my UNDERWEAR drawer!"

She called later and apologized again. I know she didn't mean any harm but she hasn't touched the drawer since...

My dad and Lil Wayne

My parents watching the Grammys:
My dad: "Who's that guy that wears his pants so low? Little Billy?"
My mom: "No, Lil Wayne."

You're fat! (Not really)

While shopping for a grown-up interview suit, for all Macys' shoppers to hear...

Me to Mom: "I don't think that will fit."
Mom to Me: "Yes it will. Just try it on."
Me to Mom: "It's going to be too big."
Mom to Me: "You know, you're not as skinny as you think you are!"

Engaged to Ryan Seacrest

Mom to me: "I think the two of you would look good together."
Me to Mom: "Who?"
Mom to me: "You and Ryan Seacrest. I could see you two together. I love him."

Joys of Living Home Part 243638

Mom to me: "What are you watching?"
Me to Mom: "NKOTB video."
Mom to me: "I thought you were doing your homework."
Me to mom: (Silence)
Mom to me: "Do your homework.

Me taking drugs

Mom to Me: "Do you want to overdose? Is that what you want?"
Me to Mom: "But mom, it's only NyQuil."
Mom to Me: "Yes but didn't you take a Claritin also?"
Me to Mom: "Yes, about 12 hours ago."
Mom to Me: "This is how all the celebrities overdose. You better not take the NyQuil."

Lent

Me to Mom: "I don't know what to give up for Lent. What should I give up?"
Mom to Me: "Why don't you just try being nicer to people?"

Jack Bauer

Parents to me: "You can talk to us during the commercial break." (24 is on)

She kissed a girl

Mom to Dad: "He's marrying Katie Perry."
Dad to Mom: "Katie who?"
Mom to Dad: "Katie Perry, Peter! The one who sings "I kissed a girl and I like it... don't you know anything?"


My parents watching Russel Brand on American Idol.

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree...

Mom and Dad recently settled a battle of wills. Mom had been asking Dad to take our (fake) Christmas tree up to the attic since Christmas. For whatever reason (laziness) he didn't. So to prove her point she decorated the Christmas tree with Easter eggs because, well, the tree was still in our living room on Easter Sunday. A few days later, he took the tree down and into the attic it went.

Intro/Welcome

I've been told by my "friends" on Facebook to consolidate my status updates that contain conversations between my mother and I into a blog. Typically these updates begin with "Mom to Me" hence the name of my blog.

So why are my Facebook status updates so intriguing and blogworthy? Well, they're not really. However, my mother is a darn funny woman as is my father and the reason why they're so funny is because they don't know they're funny. I think anyone with a crazy family can relate. My mother walks my father through American Idol, celebrity news and anything else that comes up while they're watching TV in the den. What I overhear is sometimes too amazing not to share. Other times my mother will say things to me that blow my mind (like how I am stupid because I lost out on my shot to marry Prince William since he's probably going to marry that "broad" Kate Middleton).

I should also note that I am a 28-almost-29-year old woman who moved back home with Mom, Dad, Brother and Dogs. By default, my life is.....(fill in the blank).